Just spent another interminable chunk of my finite life span on the phone to BT. Once again the BB is moving at the speed of a dead snail; or it's simply given up the ghost and done a moody into the ether, or wherever dead bandwidth goes after curling up its toes.
After hanging on the phone for what seemed like a mini-eternity I finally made contact with a live voice. I then answered the compulsory fuck-me-cor-blimey-O'Reilly obvious questions, you know...is you modem switched on? What browser are you using? Have you tried unplugging the modem while singing 'Bohemian Rhapsody' in the style of a Gregorian chant while holding your breath for an hour?
So, my BT techie having now eliminated the impossible, decides whatever remains, no matter how whacky, must be the problem.
"Where is you modem?" she asks.
"On my desk" I respond wondering where this is going.
"Do you have any other electrical nearby, such as monitors, mobile phones or landlines?" She warily poses.
"Yes" I say. "All of those things. Is this a problem? I mean they're all on my desk. Isn't it usual to have a modem connected to your computer as well as having phones nearby?" I ask in a somewhat incredulous voice.
"That's the problem. You need to move the modem away from those pieces of equipment as they all emit conflicting signals" said said techie, with more than a soupçon of triumphalism in her trilling voice.
"OK, point taken." I grudgingly retort. "Where would be the best place to site the modem?" I tentatively posed.
"Right, keep away from you monitor, tablet, laptop, mobile phone, but especially away from your cordless phone. Oh, and walls and windows can be a problem." She came back with all the authority of BT techie of the month.
"So, keep away from my monitor, tablet, laptop, mobile phone, cordless phone, walls and windows? Hmm, quite difficult that, as my home is full of all those gadgets, and just to be bloody awkward it is enveloped in walls, which just to put the cherry on the cake, have windows placed within them. Do you think moving into a field would solve the problem?" I concluded, in a somewhat, some might think unreasonable, sarcastic tone.