Over the past couple of days feelings of déjà vu are seeping
and creeping into my dreams and even my waking moments. Ten years ago I moved
into my current address, a place I’ve never considered home. One of the reasons
I’ve attached no feelings of domesticity to the property is the hassle I endured
when moving into the place.
Back then Lambeth agreed to do certain enabling works to
allow for my disabilities and waived the rent for a number of weeks prior to my
moving in. Which was just as well considering the nightmares I was to face
trying to get an electricity connection.
On receiving the keys to the flat, prior to the enabling
works, I needed a floor put in as well as decorating carried out. First things
first, I opened an account with British Gas (BG). However, there was no
electric power coming into the flat. The lights didn’t work nor did the
electrical sockets – and the little wheel on the meter wasn’t going round and
round the way it would if there was power.
Back on the blower to BG, explained little wheel static.
Yes, all the fuses were pointing the correct way…up. But they maintained they
were supplying me from there end. This was not their issue it was a problem for
the landlord to sort out – Lambeth Council.
Chatted to my housing officer advised me to sign up with an
energy supplier – tosser. After explaining my conversation with my supplier,
BG, he gave me an over-the-phone-shrug-of-the-shoulders stating that Lambeth
had carried out its obligations.
Back to BG I go, a little despondent with my faith in
humanity a bit dented but not at major motorway pile-up level yet – this would
come about in painful increments over a period of 22-days. BG were awfully
sorry to hear of my dilemma; they took another butchers at my account and
carrying out a conscious Pontius batted me back to my landlord.
This toing and froing continued for another few gruelling sets
before an umpire (a third party I’d got involved so as to salvage a soupcon of
sanity) suggested that Lambeth re-checks the electric power to my flat. The
electric engineers, the Wild Bunch or Magnificent Seven as I recall, were
called back; after doing their tests they reported that all sockets and light
fittings were A OK and in working order.
The only problem was, nothing worked. Light bulbs shed no
light upon switching the switch. The radio emitted no sound upon hitting the on
button. The hob no heat did it throw out when flicking the switch. Indeed, the
little wheel in the meter cupboard stubbornly lay still as though in a torpor
unable to complete a revolution.
“What can we do?” Whined the Wild Bunch moseying on out of
my flat down the road apace. But of course the manager had a solution, that’s
why he spent the inspection on his mobile having the craic with a mate while
his desperadoes carried out the work. “We’ll get EDF in. This is obviously a
problem that’s on the outside of the property – or in other words, we haven’t
got a Scooby what we’re doing let’s mug the billy bunter off with someone else.
In other words they had carried out two electrical tests of
the premises; and though finding everything in order on both occasions, and
signing certificate to this effect. They were now saying the fact I had no power
was due to external influences – outside the drum. Yet all sockets, etc inside
the drum were registering live.
Along comes EDF to check the outside electrical ting and
ting. Big geezer comes to my door and hands me a very large fuse, about the
size of a 1.6 v battery. “Here you go mate. Nuthing wrong wiv yer fews. See,
clean as nun’s conscience”.
Indeed, it was.
So, looking at the meter, which was still, well still. Flicking
a light switch, and there being no light I asked the electrician why the meter
wasn’t working and the lights not coming on.
“Not ma problem, cheef” chirps this fidgeter of fuse boxes. “It’s
inside yer ‘ouse; I only do outside”.
“Any ideas where or what?” I quiz; attempting to tantalizingly
trick him into giving up the secret of the missing leccy from 25 Pisspot Way.
“Well, it could be…” as he launched into the lingua franca
of Sparkyland.
“Whoa, slow down. Let me write this down. Just a minute.” I pleaded.
“…behind yer fuse panel”. He finished as he turned on his
heel and naffed off.
“Hang on. I didn’t get any of that. Give me a fucking break,
pal”. I pled. Had I bled it wouldn’t have moved this smug bastard. The kind of
fucker who measures his pleasure by the misery of mourning mothers.
Lines of demarcation have a place within our industries;
teachers should teach children; nurses nurse sick people; chippies swing doors;
plasters spread walls; brickies to do things with frogs that brickies do; and electricians
to wire up.
However, I wasn’t asking this guy to come into my place and
do the work of another tradesperson. No, I was pleading with him to impart his knowledge
in lay language so as I could get my problem sorted.
Anyhow, another couple of days went by. The third party
assisting me managed to get the electrical engineers out, for a third time. At
first they ignored me as I pointed to the meter uttering “the problems in the
meter cupboard!”
No, they went through their esoteric rituals of poking their
devices around sockets and gaining great satisfaction when a light lit up the
device. It was their version of the entrails of a dead goat giving out an
auspicious reading.
Satisfied with a job well done they attempted to leave the
flat. No way Pedro. They were not going to pass until the wheel on my meter went
round, round, round.
“The meter. Check the fucking meter. The problem is with the
meter!” I screamed. By now I was frantic. This was after all day 22 without
electric. “You’re not leaving here until there is electricity in this fucking
place!” Roared a man teeting on the edge of a breakdown.
Slumping on the floor with my back covering the lower half
of the front door, thus blocking their exit I sat, daring them to even try
leaving without looking in the meter cupboard a couple of feet away.
“You’ll have to fucking kill me if you want to leave. And
you know what? At this point in time I don’t give a fucking monkey’s for
myself. So the choice is yours.” All said with a steely calmness; a kind of
acceptance of my fate. The resignation of a beaten man.
“Alright mate, calm down. I’ll have a look but don’t blame
me if the fault isn’t in the meter. My money’s on the ‘Erbert from EDF
bollixing it up”.
Sparky opens the door of the meter. Whips out his trusty
sparky-driver and whips off the panel over the fuses and says:
“Oh, yeh of course its blah blah sparky lingo…there you go
mate, problem sorted…”
Flick! On comes a light. A radio in another rooms springs to
life. The sparks help me up and I watch, with tears in my eyes the meter almost
imperceptibly turn, the start of a revolution.
Almost ten years on from this very distressing situation I’m
moving house again. Guess what? No, I have electricity in the flat. This time nobody,
that is Ovo (my new supplier, EDF nor Which?Switch (who have a database
containing a record of all energy suppliers and customer addresses) can find
any trace of gas ever being supplied to the property.
All three have told me to get a MPRN (a meter point
reference number) which is a unique number to a given meter and from this they
can determine who supplied gas to the previous tenant.
After several days I discovered my gas meter resided in a kitchen
cupboard, too low for me to access. But even if I could, what does a MPRN look
like? It’s a series of numbers, I’m reliably informed by someone who works for
an energy company and is familiar with the jargon and ways of her sector.
With this handy tip in ascertaining MPRN’s I take several
photographs of the gas meter. One figure, 2005 followed by a colon and six
numbers, isn’t the series of figures I need. Obviously the meter reading itself
doesn’t qualify as a MPRN due to its mutability. Then aside from stickers with
dates on them, maintenance information, there are no other numbers visible on
the apparatus.
While I’m being batted to and from various energy suppliers
and allied trades I’m explaining to my housing officer (HO) that I have a real
problem developing. The HO, an extremely helpful young woman repeatedly assures
me the problem will be sorted, before I move in on Wednesday next, 7th
May.
Somewhere down the chain, as it transpires, there is talk of
the previous tenant having used an independent gas supplier. This explains why
each time I’m asked for my address the energy company agent cannot find any
record of gas being supplied to property.
“Are you sure you have the right address?” I’m patronised.
“Well if it isn’t, I’ve been doing a burglar Bill turn for
the past week” I respond in an concealed attempt at light banter – the fact I’m
hitting high notes as I spit out my responses is a bit of a giveaway.
“OK. And you’re sure it’s a gas meter?” She inflects in that
falling fashion made fashionable by Aussie soaps.
“Gas meter? I thought I was arranging a funeral for Fluffyfattybum
my recently departed Liptov Baldspotted Rabbit!” drawled I, not attempting to
mask the sarcasm.
“Sorry, what was that?” comes back she lazily, with equally indifference
as she lavishly laced her mocking mock question.
“Yes, it’s a gas meter. Several things suggest this
including the SI unit for gas measurement. But mainly the words Gas Meter
printed on the device”. Spoken without irony as by now the fun had escaped from
the situation and I was coming down from the natural high generated when I enter
a fight.
It’s late now. My problems are unresolved. There is little
or nothing I can do until Tuesday, the day before I move into the new property.
So fuck everything.
I’m going to do something I’ve not done for a long time.
I’m going into my living room and get rat-arsed, hollering
and hooting, tearing and swearing, rabble rousing, neighbour disturbing,
beastly drunk!
You notice I’m referring to the new property as ‘home’. Because
if I have the same problems as before it may never become my home, just another
flat in which I rest my head.